I am a .........Misfit

Misfit, a person who is out of place, or outside the mainstream.

Yes, that's me. Somehow, I have felt out of place my whole life. Feel nobody really knows the real me. Outside, I look quiet and goody goody. Inside, I'm anything but. I have many things to say, many things I wanna tell somebody. But sometimes, I just can't find the right words to express my feelings.

Language...... is somewhat a barrier. Grew up speaking English at home (u know, the PCK type). Went to Chinese ed primary school without knowing a single word of Mandarin. Didn't really converse in Malay till Sec 4 where 95% of ppl in my Tech. School was Malay. Didn't start talking in Cantonese till I was in Uni. My brain is so messed up in diff languages, that I can't think straight in one single language.

For many years I have led a somewhat 'double' life. For the few ppl that know me, maybe some onli know me for half of what I am. To some, I was the straight A's, piano-playing, prefect in school. To some, I was the problematic student who never passed up her homework, talked back to teachers, broke the school rules, got into fights, and had the wrong company as friends.

I've lived a sheltered life all these years, which I have striven to break out of. I feel I'm so socially retarded. Feel so awkward around ppl even now. Doesn't help that I don't look my age, cos some ppl don't tend to take me seriously even when I know what I'm talking about. For me, I think I've been thru and seen more than the average person in my position has. Only that, I've just kept all that to myself. Prefer to observe ppl from afar instead of involving myself too soon.

All these years, the thing I've yearned for is a best friend. A girl who can go shopping with me, eating jap food, or drinking fruit juices with. Someone who can tell me her opinion on the outfit or shoes that I wanted to buy. Where to cut my hair, get a facial.... someone I can hang out with. Someone I can tell my relationship troubles to, or maybe listen to hers. I haven't found that someone yet. There were a few times I tot I did. But.....I dunno.... It's too complicated to tell what happened. Haven't been able to click with any girl for a long long time.